Making the case for modesty
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Wendy Shalit got a strange greeting when she visited Swarthmore College earlier this month. Ms. Shalit is the author of Girls Gone Mild, a call to modesty that bucks the ideal of the supposedly “liberated women” celebrated on college campuses.“As I was walking in for my speech I heard ‘OK, go — do it!’” Ms. Shalit recalled in an e-mail exchange. “I turned around and two girls near me looked at me pointedly and then started to make out, apparently to try to shock me since the rumor on campus was that I was ‘homophobic’ (by virtue of favoring modesty). I’m just curious if the Swarthmore student body typically welcomes gay speakers by choreographing heterosexuals to make out right under the speaker’s nose. My guess is probably not, since that would be considered ‘offensive.’”The subtitle of Ms. Shalit’s book, Young Women Reclaim Self-Respect and Find It’s Not Bad to be Good, is also the theme, and apparently is enough to get you branded all sorts of nasty names at Swarthmore. Ms. Shalit was frequently interrupted, booed, and ridiculed.Suggest that the hyper-sexual behavior that young women are goaded into these days might not, actually, be physically, emotionally, or spiritually healthy for them, and you’re automatically a target. However, what Ms. Shalit has discovered in speaking across the country is that many girls, in secret, welcome her message.“There are so many young women who long for a dating scene and simply the right to get to know someone before jumping into bed, and they literally think there is something wrong with them,” says Ms. Shalit. “It’s pretty sad. However, the best part of my book coming out is that one of them started a Facebook group and now the girls who have higher standards can form alliances and know that they’re not alone. There was a girl who was actually considering overdosing on pills because her friends were making fun of her so much when she decided to leave the hookup/party scene — and she started to believe some of the things they were saying about her — but instead she joined our Facebook group and now she has some new friends.”Any parent of a teenage girl knows what that child faces. The dirty old men who control our television, movie, and music industries continually pummel young women with a hedonistic message. If you choose to not participate in the “I’m OK, you’re OK, let’s fornicate” scene, then there must be something wrong with you.“There are so many young people out there who value modesty and dignity — but these students tend to be intimidated by a vocal minority who is always on the attack,” says Ms. Shalit. “I think it’s really key to remember that just because people are outspoken and loud, they don’t speak for everyone — not even the majority necessarily. We tend to forget this in an exhibitionist-driven society.”Sure enough, a day or two after Ms. Shalit’s speech, the e-mails from Swarthmore students began arriving.One young woman wrote: “I am not a crazy partier and I consider myself a very strong woman, but I guess I still really needed to know that I am not alone in wanting to be authentic and claim my boundaries. I went out to a party last night and for the first time in a long time I felt like it was okay for me to get dressed up the way that felt good to ME and not because of how other people might think I looked. THAT is what it is to be a truly liberated woman!”Another said that, “it was really nice to hear you say some things that I identify with, especially the fact that if someone is modest or is waiting for the right guy, it doesn’t mean that they’re uncomfortable with their body or sexuality, a prude, or repressed. That’s something I hear a lot, even if it’s not personally directed to me.”Another young woman said that she was appalled and ashamed by the rude behavior of her fellow students. “I think that your ideas and the points that you made were so interesting, and this has honestly been the first time I’ve actually heard anyone speak of modesty in such a positive light…. It was really comforting to … learn that there are others dealing with this issue as well.”Yes, and I’m one of them. As the father of a 15-year-old girl, the perfect ending would be that I bought Girls Gone Mild and my child began reading it. I have ordered the book, but it hasn’t arrived. My sneaky plan has yet to be tested.However, there’s evidence that it could work. The other night, I picked my daughter up from a friend’s house.“What did you do?” I asked.“Watched an old movie.”“Such as?”“Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”The star, Audrey Hepburn, had made a deep impression on my daughter. The actress was beautiful, elegant, graceful.“And modest?” I suggested.No response, but no matter. The seed had been planted.Frank Diamond is a freelance writer in Langhorne, PA.Wendy Shalit got a strange greeting when she visited Swarthmore College earlier this month. Ms. Shalit is the author of Girls Gone Mild, a call to modesty that bucks the ideal of the supposedly “liberated women” celebrated on college campuses.
“As I was walking in for my speech I heard ‘OK, go — do it!’” Ms. Shalit recalled in an e-mail exchange. “I turned around and two girls near me looked at me pointedly and then started to make out, apparently to try to shock me since the rumor on campus was that I was ‘homophobic’ (by virtue of favoring modesty). I’m just curious if the Swarthmore student body typically welcomes gay speakers by choreographing heterosexuals to make out right under the speaker’s nose. My guess is probably not, since that would be considered ‘offensive.’”
The subtitle of Ms. Shalit’s book, Young Women Reclaim Self-Respect and Find It’s Not Bad to be Good, is also the theme, and apparently is enough to get you branded all sorts of nasty names at Swarthmore. Ms. Shalit was frequently interrupted, booed, and ridiculed.
Suggest that the hyper-sexual behavior that young women are goaded into these days might not, actually, be physically, emotionally, or spiritually healthy for them, and you’re automatically a target. However, what Ms. Shalit has discovered in speaking across the country is that many girls, in secret, welcome her message.
“There are so many young women who long for a dating scene and simply the right to get to know someone before jumping into bed, and they literally think there is something wrong with them,” says Ms. Shalit. “It’s pretty sad. However, the best part of my book coming out is that one of them started a Facebook group and now the girls who have higher standards can form alliances and know that they’re not alone. There was a girl who was actually considering overdosing on pills because her friends were making fun of her so much when she decided to leave the hookup/party scene — and she started to believe some of the things they were saying about her — but instead she joined our Facebook group and now she has some new friends.”
Any parent of a teenage girl knows what that child faces. The dirty old men who control our television, movie, and music industries continually pummel young women with a hedonistic message. If you choose to not participate in the “I’m OK, you’re OK, let’s fornicate” scene, then there must be something wrong with you.
“There are so many young people out there who value modesty and dignity — but these students tend to be intimidated by a vocal minority who is always on the attack,” says Ms. Shalit. “I think it’s really key to remember that just because people are outspoken and loud, they don’t speak for everyone — not even the majority necessarily. We tend to forget this in an exhibitionist-driven society.”
Sure enough, a day or two after Ms. Shalit’s speech, the e-mails from Swarthmore students began arriving.
One young woman wrote: “I am not a crazy partier and I consider myself a very strong woman, but I guess I still really needed to know that I am not alone in wanting to be authentic and claim my boundaries. I went out to a party last night and for the first time in a long time I felt like it was okay for me to get dressed up the way that felt good to ME and not because of how other people might think I looked. THAT is what it is to be a truly liberated woman!”
Another said that, “it was really nice to hear you say some things that I identify with, especially the fact that if someone is modest or is waiting for the right guy, it doesn’t mean that they’re uncomfortable with their body or sexuality, a prude, or repressed. That’s something I hear a lot, even if it’s not personally directed to me.”
Another young woman said that she was appalled and ashamed by the rude behavior of her fellow students. “I think that your ideas and the points that you made were so interesting, and this has honestly been the first time I’ve actually heard anyone speak of modesty in such a positive light…. It was really comforting to … learn that there are others dealing with this issue as well.”
Yes, and I’m one of them. As the father of a 15-year-old girl, the perfect ending would be that I bought Girls Gone Mild and my child began reading it. I have ordered the book, but it hasn’t arrived. My sneaky plan has yet to be tested.
However, there’s evidence that it could work. The other night, I picked my daughter up from a friend’s house.
“What did you do?” I asked.
“Watched an old movie.”
“Such as?”
“Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”
The star, Audrey Hepburn, had made a deep impression on my daughter. The actress was beautiful, elegant, graceful.
“And modest?” I suggested.
No response, but no matter. The seed had been planted.
Frank Diamond is a freelance writer in Langhorne, PA.
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